Guess what, folks? I’m heading up to one of my favorite and frequent vacation destinations tomorrow – Montreal! My boyfriend, Jesse, used to go to school there and has introduced me to a passionate love for all things Montreal. The two of us usually make it up there at least once a year. If you haven’t been to Montreal, you should go immediately. Also, some things you should probably keep in mind:
1) Poutine is delicious, but it’s incredibly filling.
2) Old Montreal and downtown are where it’s at! There are tons of amazing restaurants all within walking distance.
3) Do not go during the winter. You will freeze to death.
4) During your visit, you may be sexually harassed by a dwarf. This not guaranteed, but it is a possibility.
Let me explain that last one. Back in the summer of 2012 I went up to Montreal with Jesse and his brothers. They hit up the F1 race while I explored the culture and food of Montreal. Now before we proceed, you should know that I’m pretty average sized with proportional body parts. In other words, I am not Dolly Parton.
So there I was on the metro, after visiting the Montreal botanical gardens, when a strange thing happened. I looked up and saw a dwarf standing about six feet away from me staring fixedly at my chest. She noticed that I noticed her, and proceeded to start chanting “Big Tits” in raspy, sing-song, serial killer voice (think Christopher Lambert).
My initial thought was that Montreal really needed to start providing better health care for their mentally ill citizens. My next thought was “Thanks?” Since the woman resembled a character from Don’t Look Now, I decided that non-acknowledgement might be the best policy. However, the chanting didn’t stop.
After a few minutes of this I wondered if some sarcastic quip might put an end to the chanting. Subsequent consideration determined that this was not my best laid plan. I was willing to bet my favorite finger that this woman was packing a shiv, and I really didn’t want to have to explain to my boyfriend that I couldn’t make it to dinner because I’d been shanked by a psychotic dwarf (Fun Fact: shiv and shank are not necessarily interchangeable!).
After about fifteen minutes I began to question my sanity. It wasn’t really the chanting that was a problem but the fact that nobody else in the train car was reacting to it. Initially, I thought it might be Canadian politeness. But fifteen minutes without a single reaction (not even a raised eyebrow) forced me to wonder if I’d accidentally inhaled, ingested, or rolled in some sort of hallucinogenic plant at the botanical gardens, and was imagining the entire thing.
After 20 minutes the guy sitting next to me kind of rolled his eyes and gave a little ¼ smile as if to say, “Fridays. Am I right?” The total nonchalance of the action did not make it clear whether he was responding to the (still) chanting dwarf or the fact that, at this point, I was wildly staring around the train car with a “Does anyone else see this dwarf?!” expression on my face.
After 25 minutes I was at my stop. After giving the (possibly imaginary) verbose dwarf-woman a wide berth, I scampered off the train. She did not follow. I hastened back to the apartment we were renting, met up with Jesse, and had the following exchange:
“I think I might have been sexually harassed by a sinister dwarf,” I said.
“Huh. That’s weird,” responded my unperturbed boyfriend.
“Did you see a lot of dwarves when you went to school here?”
“You know…. I wasn’t really keeping an eye out for them….”
The rest of the evening, and trip, passed without incident. In fact the likelihood of this happening again, or to anyone else, is pretty slim. I still like to warn people about the possibility though. So here’s hoping this current trip is free of harassment and sinister characters. I’m also hoping for decent weather, amazing food, and kickass art. I wouldn’t mind an adventure or two, but preferably nothing that makes me doubt my sanity.
“In Ontario, Canada, the Dwarf Tossing Ban Act of 2003 was enacted, with penalties of a fine of not more than $5,000 or to imprisonment for a term of not more than six months, or both”.
Almost worth the fine in this case, and perhaps they have a special wing in the jails for the dwarf-tossers. I bet they are really fun people to hang out with!