Halloween: How to freak out your neighbors next year


Ahhhh Halloween, the holiday embodies hedonism in all its glory.  Trick-or-Treaters literally threaten to fuck up strangers if they don’t receive their fair share of delicious candy.  How can anyone not love such an awesome Holiday?!  Sadly, my apartment complex does not see many trick-or-treaters – until three years ago.  After four years without a single zombie or vampire, imagine my surprise when some kids actually showed up.  Unfortunately, I was ill-prepared and lacking generic candy.  As a result, the kids ended up taking away Godiva and Lindt Bon Bons.  While this selection might have pleased their parents, the kids were less than impressed.

As a result of this catastrophe, I stocked up the next year.  I even got home early so none of the trick-or-treaters would miss out on the haul!  Alas, it was not to be.  Fun Fact: If you ever want to REALLY creep out your neighbors, try doing the following:

1)      Start watching horror movies at a fairly high volume in your dimly lit apartment.  No one will know that the screams are actually coming from a TV!

2)      Try cooking something that requires significant preparation.  Bring your cutting board into the living room so you can watch movies while you prep.  Make sure that your table is lower than the window level – this ensures that anyone looking into your apartment can only see you wielding an excessively large knife and will have no idea what you are actually chopping.

3)      After an hour with no trick-or-treaters, become concerned that no one knows you have candy.  Solve this problem by creating several signs on printer paper that read “Free Candy in Apt __”  or “Knock for Candy!”  Include drawings of “ghosts” that actually look like small corpses and tape signs to all the entrance doors in your apartment building.

4)      Test drive your new Steampunk Aviatior goggles while chopping.  Overzealously wave at any trick-or-treaters you see in the parking lot.

5)      Become confused when those trick-or-treaters run away as fast as they can.


Eventually realize that while you think you look like this:


Hey there!  Have some candy!

Hey there! Have some candy!



You actually look like this:


Annnnnd we're in Hell with a goggle wearing serial killer....

Annnnnd we’re in Hell with a goggle wearing serial killer….



Have your boyfriend confirm that you are in fact, terrorizing the townsfolk.  Feel a little bit better when he pity trick-or-treats you and eats your terror candy.


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